Path of discovery

Well, I’ve missed a couple of days. I guess that is going to happen from time to time. You’d think I’d have more time to write on the weekend, but this one stayed busy. Just got home from some friends and trying to unwind. Tomorrow will come to early as my little tyke is still awake and she won’t want to get up in the morning. For that matter,, neither will I!:)
     All in all, it was a good week. I started writing because I was feeling pretty lost or at least that I have lost track of where I am in life. Now, I seem to have focus again. My goal for the week is to get a little more active. We got a Wii fit and I want to make use of that. I won’t have much outside activity as we are getting some frigid weather so I will be concentrating on some things in the home. Organizing some things, but don’t tell my mom, lol!! See ya soon.

It’s that day of the week where I’m just dragging. It’s been a pretty good week, though. I really think the writing has helped. I am finding that I go to sleep easier. Still too late, but more ready to fall asleep than usual. I am hoping that this continues. Tomorrow is a fun day. I get to go grocery shopping, Yippee! Actually, I kind of like it. The higher prices kind of dampen the enjoyment, but all in all, I still think I do pretty good. It’ll be nice going w/o a 5 yr old who gets bored.
          The weekend looks laid-back so far. Not as much snow as they were saying so we won’t have to be blowing and shoveling snow tomorrow. May watch some football although our Vikings are out of the Super Bowl hunt. I’ll root for my sister’s team the Carolina Panthers. Maybe dh will have some friends over to play guitar. That is always fun. They play a nice variety of music and punkin pie loves to sing along! I get to play the audience!! I hope all of you have a wonderful weekend! See ya soon.

      Only happy thoughts today! I’ll talk more about the journey later, but right now I want to tell you about the destination. I would take the struggling path again and again to get to our little girl. Dh and I had been married nearly 12 years when she came into our lives. We had decided it wasn’t meant to be for us to be parents and we needed to accept that. We got to that point in November of 2002~at peace with it. Then on Feb. 21, 2003 we got a phone call that would bless our life forever. An older couple that we knew asked us if we would consider adopting their unborn grandchild. They were raising their daughter’s two older children and couldn’t raise another. We prayed and then said yes. Before long we met the birthmom, she was at about 20 weeks and had found out that it was to be a little girl. I got to feel “punkin pie” in her tummy and I fell in love. The sonogram pictures hung proudly at my desk while I took on extra days to help pay the adoption expenses. 
       A short, hectic, and stressful 12 weeks later, dh and I got to go to a doctor’s appt. with the bmom. Everything looked great and she looked like she would go full-term. Less than 24 hours later, we were on our way to the hospital because the bmom was in full blown labor and was going to deliver at anytime. We arrived at about 4:45 pm and our miracle was born at 5:07. I got to see my daughter born. She shot out lightning fast and has been going ever since. Born at 32 weeks 4 days as healthy as could be topping the scale at 4 lbs 1/2 oz!! Within about 5 minutes of delivery, the bmom passed her to me asking if I wanted to hold “my daughter”! That was a powerful moment in my life that I will never forget. We say that punkin finally got to meet her parents and was ready to join our family no matter what the calendar said! We were finally complete and really learned what it meant to be “at peace”! See Ya Soon!

            Depression has probably been with me for longer than I care to know. Thinking back, it most likely started after my parents divorced. In 4th grade, I began having problems in school, losing weight(what I wouldn’t give now) and having make believe friends. Not like Sally or Amy, but mostly I would imagine that a famous guy was my real dad. For awhile I remember it was one of the guys on Dukes of Hazard~not the character, but either John Schneider or Tom Wopat?? They were both in my fantasies~one as the dad and the other as an uncle-type. I would walk home from school, telling them about my day. All in my head, not talking out loud, at least I hope! Back then I didn’t know it was weird or a coping mechanism, but it did bring comfort.
        The truth is I never had a great dad. He wasn’t the kind you could depend on or that provided for his family. He wasn’t a hard worker or talented. He was more like a fifth kid for my mom. I don’t recall anything specific, but I know we often felt embarassed by him. But, at that point in my life, any father was better than no father, so since he was gone, I just used my imagination! It wouldn’t be very many years until I found out that my real father was even worse than I thought~but, that’s another blog. See ya soon!

Not my favorite day of the week! Not my least favorite either. For some reason Thursdays are always tough, weird, I know. I got lots accomplished today, though. Paid off my medical bills for 2008 and hopefully I will be slow to accrue them in 09. Most of it was for a sleep study which of course showed that I had sleep apnea. Too bad the insomnia keeps me from using the piece of equipment most nights. It has to go up to a high level(15) for me and since it takes so long for me to fall asleep, I feel claustrophobic when it gets to full air pressure. A normal person would be asleep by then, but not me! Oh well, I didn’t come on here to talk about (lack of) sleep today.

     I did start looking more into the actual program at our tech college. I think I will start with two classes this summer and see how that goes. Those would be a total of 5-6 credits out of the way and then the whole program would only have 30 more. The career of Medical office assistant interests me because of personal experience. I would really like to work in an ob/gyn office or clinic. Going through 12 years of infertility, I had some really good doctors but their staff mostly left alot to be desired. They would assume I was there for a pg consult and ask what trimester I was in and I would have to say “no trimester”, I’m here because I CAN’T get pg!!:(  I know the dr’s offices get crazy busy, but to have a smile for the sick or worried person coming in seems like the least the medical personnel could do. I want to be that person with a kind smile, “A take care” and “a feel better” along with the card for the next appointment. It might not be the big dream I had of how to put my stamp on life when I was younger, but it matters, nonetheless! See ya soon!

I forgot to mention that I would be talking about insomnia a lot as I blog!! So, I even set up a category for it. I have always been a night owl and can never seem to break the cycle for more than a couple days. You name it, I’ve tried it. From giving up all caffeine to not eating after six, warm relaxing baths, soothing music, medication, counting sheep, etc!! Well, okay I have never tried a glass of warm milk~YUCK!! I can’t stand cold milk so the thought of warm would just send me to the bathroom puking!

      Life is set up for the morning people and it frustrates me! Why can’t school start at 10:00 am and go to 5:30? It is really hard now with having a school-age kid. I have to have her up by 7:30 am which means I have to be able to function plus be patient before that time. Not an easy combination with a 5 yr old who likes to sleep in as much as her Mama!:) Somehow we will struggle through! My mom whom lives with us, however, is a morning person and seems to think all that I have to do is have a schedule and stick to it! Aggravating! I remind her that this straight A highschool student did her best work after 11:00 pm and would wander into her room for late night chats on frequent occasions. It is when my mind is the most clear and thoughts go through it like the Amtrak to its next destination. I can’t turn it off or seem to slow it down until about 2:00 am. Life would be glorious if the world woke up at 10:00 am! See ya soon!

I am stuck home all day today with snow. We have had over 3 feet in the last month. It is so very pretty, but presenting a challenge. I want to get out and do, but since I don’t technically have to, I stay home. I want to go to our local tech college and get the info on a Medical office asst. course, but everyday that I have to do it, the roads are bad. My dd goes back to school on Monday so hopefully we will get a snow-free week. So thankful she has been out or there would be at least 3-4 more snow days added onto the end of the year. There is 1 already and that is enough!

     So what can I do until the weather cooperates? I can tell you a little more about myself. I am 37 and will be married 18 years very soon. I have a 5 yr old little girl, a dog, and a bird. My 60 year old mother also lives with us. All of us together makes for a lot of chaos, but it is fun. Hubby and I are very close. We have been through so much and some how we have allowed it to bring us closer instead of apart. He is my rock and the reason why those suicidal thoughts I wrote about in my first post never became reality. He gave me hope that life could be worth living and I am very thankful! See ya soon!:)

         Please come along as I rediscover who I am and what makes me happy and fulfilled. I think I am like a lot of stay at home moms. My one and only child is off to school all day and I am trying to redefine my purpose in the world. For many years I was so consumed with wanting a baby and then finally becoming a mom that I have forgotten that passionate, outspoken 18 year old who graduated highschool ready to conquer the world. She is still in there, or is she? I guess we will find out together.

          As I tackle my past a little at a time, you will see blogs on childhood abuse, an alcoholic parent, a teenage bride(me), depression, true love, infertility, thoughts of suicide, the adoption process, perfectionism, weight loss and gain, motherhood, children, financial hardships, and so much more. I think my future will include some form of college, taking more time for myself, and cherishing what I do have instead of wishing for more. I need to stop wishing and just go get it. If you decide to follow my path, I will try my best not to bore you!:) See ya soon!!